Who am I?
by N Ashton
Summary: Our lovely heroine Miss Lily Potter is finishing up with her final year at Hogwarts, with a presumeably perfect boyfriend and his ever so loyal friends. Yet she just can't help but feel as if there should be something more. Join her as she lives her final
1. Last year of school

Oh and yeah, suppose I should tell you, unfortunately I do not own Harry Potter, yep I know it's a bugger.

The Beginning Of The Last Year At Hogwarts

When I was younger I never thought I'd actually like kissing. Guys, I mean. I never liked boys, they pulled my red hair, made fun of my green eyes and tried to scratch my pale skin. I guess that they thought the same thing, that they'd never like girl though.

And for a while I did enjoy kissing, I still like it now, but I feel that the attraction for the other participant dwindle each day. No, that's not right. I think that it's now just comfy, too comfy; to secure not something I really want when I'm seventeen and in my last year at school.

Remus is cute, no point denying it, however I don't think I was ever attracted to his looks even though they were a definite plus, he was always really sweet, even when he looked like death warmed over he was always nice to me. He treats me like a princess, which is one of the reasons that I feel so guilty, it seems like the perfect relationship to the casual observer but it's not and I don't think it ever has been – that maybe a little harsh but what relationship is perfect?

These feelings are what are making me dread my final year at Hogwarts. I mean, now unlike over the holidays I have to spend a lot more time with him as we're basically living together but in different rooms. I know it sounds snobby and bitchy but I know that I'm going to resent him for it later.

I remember my Ma's words clearly in my head, "Look Lily, I like Remus, I really do but I don't think that you should tie yourself to a relationship when your hearts not in it. You need to see who else is out there to know what you want. You're too young to run head first into a committed lifelong relationship because you haven't got the nerve to break it off."

My Mum, one wise lady, but wisdom comes from experience and I know she's had plenty of it. She married at the age of nineteen and divorced within two years because it just didn't work. So she decided that she needed to live life on her own terms and make her own decisions. Only a few years later she met my Da, but this time she made sure that they went slow and they're still together today.

As much as I want to follow my ma's advice and maybe in turn follow my heart and be free for a little while and I know I now sound like a hypocrite but I like feeling safe with Remus, I know he'll never hurt me.

It was around this time that I realised the car was pulling into a parking space at King's cross-station. Great, perfect! However, my little problem slips from my mind as my family hug and fuss over me as it becomes apparent that they're not going to see me until next year as it's too dangerous for muggleborns to travel back and forth from Hogwarts during breaks. My sister looks as if this was the last place that she wanted to be and I'm right, she'd rather stick her tongue down the neck of a rather jerky boy named Vernon. My Ma just can't seem to get through to her about settling down too young as they're getting married in the summer of next year, most likely just to piss Mum off.

As I walked though the barrier to get to platform 9 ¾ I felt a turmoil of emotions run through me. My problems with Remus, missing my parents, sadness knowing it was my last year at Hogwarts, it's starting to feel like an end of an era.

"Lily!"

I whirled around to figure out where the shout came fro only to be tackled by Sirius as he pulled me into a hug.

One good thing about dating Remus was that I had to get to know his 'gang', people before I would never of been caught dead with. For example: Sirius. I once thought him to be a heartless git, and it turns out that he really is a git but an incredibly funny one who can always be counted upon for cheering somebody up.

So when Sirius finally released me from his death grip, I was pulled into another one by another of Remus' friends, only this hug was more gentle and allowed me to breathe but no less enjoyable by James Potter. James turned out to be a hell of a lot different to what it thought him to be like, Yes, he could be a total idiot, a major idiot, but he was loyal and honest; a great friend, especially seen as he stopped 'chasing' me the moment Remus' came on the dating scene. Still, I often wonder if he did care about me the way he used to harp on about. James let go of me slowly smiling and rubbing my back slightly before disengaging the embrace.

"How about we all go and find a compartment?" Sirius added cheerfully, grabbing my trunk and pulling it on to the train.

"Thank Merlin," came the words from James. I looked at him curiously; did he want to be away from his best friend? "I've spent everyday with him for the past few weeks and it nearly killed me," he said sombrely.

"What? But you're always together!" I spluttered.

"Yeah, but we're always with others you know? On his own, Sirius can be a little…" he looked uncomfortable as he said this "… demanding!" I just laughed; I couldn't help it. Oh Merlin, he looked so sweet – see what I mean about him being loyal.

"I always thought that if I live with Sirius it'd be great, you know? But now, I really understand the concept of privacy, and there's only so many places you can hide in my home unlike at Hogwarts," he continued and I smiled as we followed in Sirius' wake towards the train.

"Have you seen Remus?" I asked offhand glancing around.

"He's travelling with Peter," James replied as he climbed onto the train first. Then he turned around and offers his hand to me, "M'lady?"

"Thank you, kind sir," I giggled. Wait- giggled? What is wrong with me? "I've got to go to the head compartment," I mumbled suddenly embarrassed, though I don't know why, as I walked towards the front of the train. I didn't realise at the time that James was following until he stood next to be after I stepped into the compartment.

"Wow!" I remember saying, it was kind of impressive and it was kind of then that it hit me, I was Head Girl!

"Yeah, wow!"

"You can't be here!" I practically shrieked at James when I fully comprehended that he was here, which to be honest took me a while.

"Why?" he asked his eyebrow knitted together in confusion.

"Because you're not Head boy," I offered as an explanation waving my hands around in exasperation. James continued to look at me with the same expression until a moment later it turned to understanding and he started searching through his pockets while I looked on. What's he playing at?

After finding what he was looking for he slipped something into my hand, which I looked closely at, this made no sense. I took in every detail of the object to see if it was a joke of some sort, one question replaying over and over in my head.

Why does James have the head boy badge?

I had to sit down, which is what I did. "But… but this makes no sense," I stammered out. "Why you?"

"I have no idea," James replied distractedly, running a hand nervously through his hair. "Everyone I've told kept saying Dumbledore's finally cracked."

"I'd have to agree with them," I muttered.

"So would I actually," he said, then laughed to himself sardonically as he sank down next to me. "Great head boy I'll be, I don't even think I can do the bloody job!"

I turned to look at him and he looked a little harassed. "You'll do fine," I assured him before I could stop myself patting his arm in what I hope was a comforting way, but he just stared at me disbelieving. "Besides, if you screw up, I'm sure I could fix whatever mess you make," I joked hoping he caught it.

"…and you once said I was a big head!" He said dryly.

"Oi!" I retaliated poking him in the ribs. "Well at least I know we'll be able to work together," I sighed in relief, sinking further down lifting my legs so they rested on the seats opposite me.

"Imagine if the head girl was in slytherin?" he asked.

"You wouldn't have lasted a week then," I replied thoughtfully, after which James and I dissolved into a fit of laughter.

"What happened in here?" I said as I took in the mess of the compartment that Sirius had chosen earlier, when both James and I walked in to meet them. One look at Peter and my boyfriend, who were pointing at Sirius whom tried to have an innocent look upon his face as he twiddled his thumbs, told me all I need to know. "Clean it up," I stated as James clapped both Peter and Remus on the back in a way of greeting.

"Hi Pete," I said quietly to him waving my hand, ignoring Sirius as he did pathetic impressions of me. "Hey Remus," I said in the same manner which was broken when he grabbed my hand, pulling me to him and claiming my lips with his own. Remember what I said about kissing, I like it, except I kind of wish for those kisses you read about in romance novels, you know where you get weak at the knees and your heart flutters and you get butterflies in your stomach. Remus' kisses although nice and sweet, don't do that and they don't really leave me wanting more.

"Hey Lily," Remus said, as I hear Sirius make a choking sound, well until James threw something at him. I moved to sit opposite him as he finished a game of wizard's chess with Peter, the latter of which congratulated me on making head girl.

As the train drew on and the conversation turned to Sirius' latest conquests over the summer, I made some comment about him being a male slut, to which he replied, "You say that as if it's a bad thing, Lily flower," with a perfectly straight face, but a twinkle in his eyes, knowing that it'd annoy me.

I was greatly relived when somebody poked their head through the door.

"Emily!" I cheered and following suit everybody else did to.

"Wow an encore, always wanted on of those," she grinned. "Hey you guys," she continued. "Lily, thought I'd save you from this lot in the form of female bonding with the others back in our compartment."

"There is a god," I joked back before I said goodbye as I followed Emily to a compartment where four other girls sat. Two of which were from my own house and year. Once again, I was congratulated on my appointment of head girl and I settled the rumours about who got head boy hiding a grin when somebody mention that Dumbledore had gone crazy and the others nodded in agreement.

I would go into what we talked about, but to be honest, it wasn't very interesting, except for finding out that Carla, a fellow roommate had lost her virginity to a very cute Ravenclaw over the summer.

I was asked how often I saw Remus and after I set them straight on how I was still a virgin despite their disbelief that we were at it like bunnies, they demanded why. I lied – saying I wanted to be married first and they then proceeded to make bets on how long it would be till Remus would break. I turned the tables on the others by teasing Emily on how easy it would be to slip up and tell James that she fancied him now that as head boy I'd have to spend even more time with him. Let's say Emily was not impressed and she turned on me again.

"I would have never have thought you to still be…"

"Don't finish that sentence Em," I warned her as I looked through Carla's with weekly magazine. "Ooo, a which Witch are you quiz," I pointed out to the others.

"Lil'," they groaned in return.

"What?" I asked innocently. "Oh come on you're not still wondering why…" to which they nodded. "I'm a virgin, because I choose to be, what's the point of sleeping around with lads you don't…"

"But that's the best part!" a girl called Darla cried out.

"Well if anyone should know…" Emily trailed off grinning dodging the sweets that were thrown at her.

I flicked to another page in the magazine and a heading caught my eye. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"What is it Lily?" a timid girl asked from the corner of the compartment.

"They still haven't caught these guys yet?" I asked showing them the article.

"No… it's getting really bad isn't it, that's the fourth hit in the past month," Carla said disgusted.

"I heard that they're calling themselves Death Eater's and each time they attack they leave a mark in the sky to show they've been there," a witch named Julie whose aunt was high up in the ministry. "Follower's of he-who-must-not-be-named." To which I rolled my eyes, why does nobody say his name? I know the guy is bad but refusing to say his name makes him even scarier right? And why would anybody ever follow him?

A silence fell upon us and soon we were pulling into Hogsmade station and I shared a carriage with the girls from Griffindor, and after filling into the grand hall the sorting ceremony began.

As usual the first years looked on in scepticism when they were told all they had to do was put on a dirty and fraying hat to be sorted. What was different was when said hat broke into a song of a very unusual context to the previous years.

Welcome to Hogwarts school

Of Witchcraft and wizardry

That should always be about learning

And never misery

I will look deep inside you to see

At which table you should be sat

Although I may seem to be

Just a stupid hat.

Here are the qualities

Of the four founders that I follow

To sort you into your house

So your thoughts need not wallow.

Slytherin prided himself by choosing

Those with blood so pure,

While Ravenclaw selected those with knowledge

Who always wanted more.

Griffindor chose those

With brave thoughts and deeds to their name,

And Hufflepuff taught the rest of those

Who weren't selected that came.

However I feel the need to tell you

Though widely known it is

Their relationships with one another

Began to become a miss.

But when one of these four founders left

Hogwarts was never the same

The remaining three

Felt their abilities dwindle and wane.

Seasons changed and the years went on

And I sort the new students

Now the founders have gone.

But before the sorting starts,

Before to bed we part

I request those seated in this hall

To spare a thought or two

As you know we live in a world

Where darkness has broken through

So now I ask those with

The gift of magic

Who are always taught

To avoid ends so tragic

That until this danger has passed

Together we should unite

And build a defence so strong

With all our might

Because if we always remain

So divided,

We will be drawn in

And chided

Our strength will

Most likely fall

And I fear nobody will be left

To answer our call

So although I will now begin

To sort you

In other houses you should

Find a friend or two

Now when you're called slip me

Upon your head

Then afterwards

Please think about what I've said.

Needless to say it created a silence upon the room until the first name was called. Other than that, the ceremony and feast ran quite smoothly except for Sirius charming the Griffindor goblets to shout 'Loser' every time 'Slytherin was mentioned, for which he received a detention and then another one for replying to professor McGonagall as 'baby'.

As the night ended, I can easily say I gladly welcomed my bed as sleep began to drift over me.

I had missed the castle.

So what do you think?

If it goes down well hopefully I'll get a new chapter up as soon as possible…


	2. New duties

-1

Stretched to a point

Ever since I came to Hogwarts I knew I wanted to be head girl – no question about it, until now!

I figured that it was hard work but I didn't think that it was this time consuming! I've thanked Merlin everyday for the past month that I got on with James, because other wise… I don't want to think about it! We have to spend so much time together.

At the moment James is… trying to prove himself that he can be a good head boy and he's doing a great job, I think he is coping better than me anyway.

So after a particular meeting with the fifth year prefects along with James about their duties for the following week a month into the school year, I began to wonder where the time went.

"I'm so tired," I moaned to James as we tidied up the classroom that we had used.

"I know what you mean," he agreed rubbing his head, after he had turned to regard me for a moment. "With Quidditch Captin duties, these meetings and the tutoring we're required to do, not to mention calming down Sirius after he's eaten to much sugar and drank too much beer…" he trails off smirking at me.

"I can only imagine," I breathe, leaning on a desk behind me to give me a little support as I twirl a section of my curly hair around a finger.

"Oh and Lil', just so you know tryouts for a new keeper and chasers are a week on Thursday…" he tell me, "…and I want most of the team there to show how well we can work together."

I groan closing my eyes and letting go of my hair and shaking my head, knowing that I'd have to be there.

"Oh, come on Lily, Sirius will be no help other than to scare them with the beaters' bat and you're the only chaser who's been on the team for the past three years," he continued and I opened one eye to look at him. "Tryouts are already late as it is because I've had all these duties to deal with and…" He most of noticed how it wasn't working, so he turned on the puppy dog eyes and soft childish voice, "Lily I really need you this year," I close my eyes before I feel the effects of his new technique on full beam but not quick enough as I now feel guilty.

"Okay, fine. I'll help," I give in opening my eyes and I notice his expression changes to a cheerful one. I groan at him and narrow my eyes in a mock anger, to which he just winks at me. I sit down on the desk I'm leaning on, "You know, sometimes I feel like I've got too much going on here," I reveal.

James sits next to me as he nods his head in agreement. "Yeah but when we can get into a routine it should get easier."

"That'll take too long," I whine as I lean my head on his shoulder. I think he stiffens a little and although I should probably move, I don't think I can. We sit in silence until James gives a big sigh and I feel him finally relax and his fingertips lightly trace shapes along my back.

"You two up for a trip to the kitchens?" Sirius' shouting came from the doorway and James and I jump, Sirius catches us as he walks through followed by Pete and Remus. "Oops didn't mean to scare ya," he added, with a satisfied smirk on his face knowing he had.

"Urm… no, here good," I say as I let my head fall back to James' shoulder, closing my eyes so I couldn't see the look that had gone to Remus' face anymore. "Too tired for a hyper Sirius," I mumble and he chuckles in response, so I open my eyes to glare at each of them.

"Aww, poor Lily'kins' tired," Sirius said as he walked over to me innocently. I know he's got something up his sleeve so I try to sink further into James for protection. Whom didn't help when Sirius launched his tickle attack.

What follows went something like this between bits of angry laughter.

"Gettoff… no… stop… Sirius stop! …please stop…" it doesn't end.

Only after I summoned up all my strength and push him away as I shot "Get off me!" does he stop, rather shocked.

"Don't you get it? I'm knackered! I just want to relax and I can't do that," I offer as an explanation, muttering that I'll see them later; I tried to storm out of the room. My exit would have been even more dramatic if I didn't bang into the door on my way out!

I knew that one of the four would follow; I just hoped it wouldn't be Remus. I don't think I could take him right now. No such luck.

"Hey Lil' wait up!" he shouts fro behind me and I slow my pace but I don't stop, that only happens when he catches up and steps in front of me to stop me walking ahead.

I ran a hand through my hair out of frustration when I looked at the questioning expression on his face. "I couldn't take that back there, I swear I don't think I've stopped since we came back to school," I admitted and Remus' expression softened. "You think he's mad at me?" I whisper.

"He'll eat too much food, drink to much of his secret stash of firewhisky tonight that he'll forget about it by tomorrow," Remus waved it off now smiling at me.

"You think?" I ask unsure.

"Yeah," he replies bringing his arms around me and pulling me close. "I'm more worried about you though," he adds quietly, curling his hand around my chin, lifting my head up so I look into his eyes; those eyes that held so much trust and concern for me.

I get a pang of guilt knowing that I had been neglecting him of late, I haven't had to think let alone be the doting girlfriend but I brush it off as I force a smile to my face as he lets hand that was on my chin travel down my back. "I can deal, don't worry about it. Go with the other…"

"No, I'll come with you," he assured me.

"That's okay, I'll just go back to the common room and…"

"I can keep you company," he whispered in to my ear in a raspy voice before proceeding to plant butterfly kisses down my neck. Although glad he can't see my expression, I don't like this situation any better, I'm not really one for public displays of affection, it just makes it seem impersonal and granted the corridor was empty but… I close my eyes and breathe in deeply before dipping my head so my lips met his, lifting an arm around his neck. Subtly he moves into my space, forcing me to step back, then he did it again only this time when I stepped back I met a wall. And as he starts to kiss me a little more passionately slipping his hands under my jumper his fingers stroking the skin of my lower back, I find myself holding back, preventing it from getting out of hand, slowing the kiss.

"Nah, I'm really tired, I just want my bed," I sigh.

"We can use mine,"

"Remus," I groan.

"Sorry, I know, stupid," he tells himself as he pulls away lifting his hand to rub his temples, obviously a little disappointed. "You sure?" he finally asks me quietly and I nod. "Okay, I'll see you in the morning," he adds before stepping towards me again and pressing a kiss to my forehead. "I love you," he whispers looking at me expectantly before he leaves.

I swallow and take a quick breath before replying "Me too," with another forced smile. And with that he turns around to meet his friends.

And tears begin to form at the corners of my eyes as I feel the weight of my guilt haunt me. I hate lying to him, but love? Oh Merlin, I think that I need to end this, it's getting way to serious.

"Miss Evans are you okay?"

Somebody asks and I jump scared out of my mind, until I see Professor Dumbledore step out of the shadows, he gives me an amused look.

"Forgive me Professor, you startled me," I said, catching my breath.

"That's okay," he replied, his eyes twinkling before growing serious. "But are you?" he asks.

"I'm fine, just some teenager problems," I assured him, while straightening the wrinkles out of my clothes.

"Ahh, I often find that those are the worst," was the response I got as he walked past me, motioning for me to follow. "I need to speak to both you and Mr Potter, I believe him to be in the kitchens with his friends so I asked your resident ghost to tell him that I require his presence in my office," the headmaster told me as we walked towards, I'm guessing, his office.

"That's a safe assumption Professor," I mutter.

"Indeed," he added knowingly. "But are you sure that you do not wish to talk with me about what is on your mind?"

"No offence Sir, but I do not feel comfortable discussing it with you," I admitted shyly.

"That is quite alright Miss Evans," he assures me and we walked the rest of the way in silence, finding James with an odd look on his face waiting near the gargoyle, which blocked the staircase which led to the headmaster's office.

"Sir, Nearly Headless Nick said that you wanted to see me," he told us as he pushed himself off the wall he was leaning against.

"Right I did Mr Potter, I just went to find Miss Evans," Dumbledore pointed out before giving the gargoyle the passed word. James mouthed 'are you okay?' to which I nodded before I went up the staircase.

When James and I were seated next to each other, Professor Dumbledore regarded each of us in turn with a tired expression upon his face.

"What I am to tell you must not be repeated, not yet anyway," he noted. "And it is a great burden what I am going to ask you, especially at such a young age, but first I must ask you something. Have you ever heard of the order of the phoenix?"

I turn to James but he shook his head, while rubbing my hands together nervously I pointed out, "do you mean phoenix as in rise from the ashes, as in Fawkes?"

"Ah, yes Lily, you just answered my next question. The phoenix like Fawkes, is an extraordinary animal. It is a bird which never dies, each time it nears the end of its life, it will burst into flames and be reborn in its ashes," Dumbledore continued, pausing only to look at his own phoenix which had flown to James knee.

"As you know, it is a dark time in the wizarding world at the moment. Voldemort is gaining power each passing day and in turn everyday he is becoming harder to defeat."

"We already know that Sir," James interrupted. "What is this 'order of the Phoenix' you spoke of?"

Dumbledore took off his glasses and wiped them before placing them back on his head. "I'm getting there James. Every time a dark force threatens our world; our way of life, the order re-establishes itself and its main goal is to fight."

"The phoenix stands for it's rebirth every time there is danger," I mutter.

"…From the ashes of destruction," James continued, as we turned to face each other James grabs for my hand in comfort.

"Correct," Dumbledore clarified and a new silence covers the room.

Minutes pass and I turn over my hand, which has James' fingers that are intertwined with mine. "Why are you telling us this?" I ask the inevitable, tearing my gaze from my hand to Dumbledore.

"I wish for the both of you to join," he replies gravely. Just like that, raising his gaze to include the both of us, a distant look in his face as though he was truly looking deep within the two of us. "Of course, the choice is ultimately yours," the headmaster pressed on. "… and I must warn you of the obligations and dangers of this. It's a secret you would both need to keep and fighting death eaters is dangerous and if you are discovered, you will both be targets as well as your families," I must be digging my nails into James' hand, it must hurt, but the only expression on his face right now is shock, but I feel in response him clench my hand too.

James speaks first, breathing deeply like me and as pale as I am, "Is this because we're the head students?"

"You were offer these positions and training because of that yes," Dumbledore responded.

"Sir, with all due respect," James starts, his voice wavering slightly. "I don't even think I should be head boy let alone…"

"I greatly disagree there," the headmaster shook his head. "I must admit early last year I did not consider you as head boy. However certain circumstances must be taken into account that made me think otherwise. Your loyalty, especially to your friends, is a great quality of yours but also you risked your life by saving your enemy to prevent your friend from becoming what he feared most."

I look between them both, when did James risk his life? Which friend becoming what he feared? However, oblivious to my confusion Dumbledore continued, "You have great leadership qualities displayed in you coaching Griffindor to winning the Quidditch inter-house cup last year. Your class marks are well above average and there is something about you that draws people to you. Never sell yourself short Mr Potter."

James got his answer; why he was chosen for head boy. And I could tell from the look in eyes that he was grateful that Dumbledore whom he respected thought so highly of him.

"Being a member of the order is time consuming and I know that you have little of that already," Dumbledore continued on. "But I would never ask this off either of you if I did not feel you could not do it, and if we did not need you.

"Do you have an answer?"


	3. Quidditch, and raspberries?

-1

"For those of you that don't know, I'm James Potter," James said confidently to the potential students hoping to get onto the Griffindor Quidditch team. "The ugly prat to my right is Sirius," he pointed out dodging his best friend who took a swing at him and moved to my side and slung an arm around my shoulders, "and this red haired beauty is Lily Evans – watch her temper," he added and in response I elbowed him in the ribs and shrugged his arm off, ignoring his exaggerated grimace.

Today was the day of the Quidditch tryouts and although at first I didn't want to come I'm glad James bullied me into it. I forgot how much I love flying, how it makes me feel free, something I haven't felt in a long time.

In the air during a quick few laps if the pitch as a warm-up before practise, I left behind all my obligations, worries and problems behind on the ground, the only thing that mattered was winning the race that James had initiated when he kicked off the ground and met me on his racing broom, which I'm happy to say I won. I guess James feels the same way I do, because the whole time we were in the air, I never saw the his lopsided grin leave his face.

Yes, we both needed this escape. It's been just over a week since both James and I were asked to join the Order of the Phoenix and if I though I had no time to myself before I was genuinely mistaken. It's been timetabled so two nights a week we receive extra classes, subject to change, in defence against the dark arts, potions and new charms are being taught to us. But now this along with prefect meetings, (a separate one for each year), extra tuition for those who need it and now with Quidditch practise to fit in as well as all the normal schoolwork to complete and the NEWTS we'll have to study for. It was making me dizzy, and I had to spend most of my time in the company of James, much to the envy of my friend Emily.

"Unfortunately," I started as I clasped my hands together bhind my back, "one of our beaters, Michael Collins, is unable to attend tonight but our other beater is Sirius, James has the position of seeker and I play chaser."

"Even though I am the captain," James continued from where I left off, "you'll have to impress all three of us to get on to the team," he finished as he moved to stand in front of them next to Sirius, looking a each if them in turn as if trying to guess their strengths and weakness'.

"We're looking for people to fill the positions of Keeper and two chasers, as the previous members have decided to leave and have since been deemed traitors," Sirius stated venomously.

I moved to stand next to Sirius rolling my eyes at his comment. "The first thing you should know is never take anything Sirius says on face value," I told them. "And these traitors, merely graduated," which resulted in a few chuckles from the students.

"Even so," Sirius gritted through his teeth, "if you do not receive one of these three positions, but we feel that you are good enough, you may be offered a place on the reserve team." I nudged him in a playfully in an attempt to cheer him up and he elbowed me back. It turns out that Sirius had a date tonight, one that James had made him postpone and he'd been moaning about it repeatedly over the course of the day when he realised that he couldn't get out of tryouts.

"Places are offered," James started, "not based solely on talent but their ability to work in a team." He move to where Sirius and I were now hitting each other, giving us both disapproving glares "and there is no I in team, remember that," he added grinning at them. "Right, shall we get on with it then? It's bloody freezing out here tonight," he asked rubbing his hands together to emphasize this.

"And I'm sure that there has got to be some last minute homework for a professor due tomorrow," I added looking pointedly at James, before picking at my nails. James had approached me to help him finish a transfiguration essay for McGonagall tomorrow. When my gaze met his again I pulled my tongue out at him.

"Lets just mount our brooms for now and just through the quaffle to one another, I want to see how well you guys fly and how you balance is then we'll move on to some manoeuvres and we'll go on from there…" James told them while chucking the quaffle between his hands.

James kicked off from the ground and the followed rest of us followed suit.

"Overall that…" James started.

"Could have gone a lot worse?" I supplied with a shrug of my shoulders, the tryouts had ended and I was helping James tidy up. Sirius had been the first one to hightail it out of here and the other slowly went back to the castle.

"Yeah," he agreed. "I mean they're not perfect but that comes with practise and you can see those who've got potential."

"Experience helps to James," I said, grabbing one end of the ball trunk. "Some of these kids haven't had a proper chance to fly on a broom for longer than they were taught in first year. And you know how short them lessons could have been. I seem to remember you betting Sirius how close you could get to tower by the east wing and who could get there and back the fastest…"

"Yeah, I won." he replied with a grin, finally getting the hint and taking the other side of the ball trunk.

"Only 'coz Sirius crashed into the tower and broke his arm…"

"I still won," he cried indignantly as we walked towards the Griffindor storage shed at the other side of the changing rooms.

"Yeah, yeah… they just need to build up their stamina, we can work on stamina exercises with them?"

"That'd work, bit boring though," James said thoughtfully. "How about we just get 'em laid and bet there stamina will…"

"James!" I interrupted laughing his train of thought whacking him over the head.

"Not approve?"

"McGonagal wouldn't…and don't say what she doesn't know can't hurt her," I said before he had chance to retort.

We made our way back towards the castle and talked about new training techniques, some quite extreme on James part which he couldn't have been serious about like tying people to the whomping willow and see how long the can avoid being hit which would apparently help us with avoiding bludgers however it wasn't until I pointed out that if they were tied to the branches they couldn't get away to dodge the bloody things.

As we walked into the great hall I noticed some third year Ravenclaw's giggling and whispering and pointing at James as we passed them. I watched his face to see if he saw any recognition in this but he was oblivious.

"What?" he asked when he noticed me staring.

"You've got some admirers," I told him nodding my head back to the girls.

"Doubt it," he said when he looked at them, he then grabbed me and pulled me so suddenly through a door into an empty corridor. "They probably just saw Flitch or something, and noticed how muddy we are…hence the quick detour"

"You saw Flitch?"

"No but just preparing…"

Merlin, he'd changed so much. The old James, even though they were only third years would have been laughing and bragging about how he was Merlin's gift to women. I told James this and he did laugh this time.

"I wasn't that bad," noticing my look he relented and said "fine maybe I was."

I rolled my eyes and noticed that we were moving again. "Where we heading?"

"Kitchens," he replied offhand as though it were obvious. "I'm starving woman!"

"Don't call me that…"

"You prefer little girl?" I hit him over the head. "Thought not. Anyways, guess I realised I wasn't all that, and the fact that I haven't had a girlfriend in ages…"

"Why? Loads of girls fancy you… oops"

"Girls fancy me? Who? Lily? Don't keep quiet now? Lily? Don't make me hurt you? Li? Fine? "

"Stop, stop!" I cried as the tickle onslaught started, laughing hystericly. "James Stop… Please!"

"What is going on here?" came Emily's voice. We both turned around and I noticed that we'd come across Remus and Emily.

"Lily let something slip and I'm trying to talk her into telling me the rest," James growled. "hey mate," he acknowledged Remus. We all went to the kitchens together and the banter between me and James died down and we all chatted. Remus was close to me and kept lightly tracing his fingers along my arms and back, kissing my hand politely, I kissed him on the lips a few times letting the moment deepen if only for a couple of seconds and it felt nice but weird to like it was too late, I hope it didn't show. I felt bad for Emily and James though, like we were making them uncomfortable acting all coupley, we normally didn't.

We bade them goodbye and headed up to the common room. It was still pretty busy in there considering how late it was, don't people get tired, I was shattered! Thankfully my boyfriend must have noticed and didn't question me about the way I've been acting recently, he read and I rested my head upon his lap.

We sat like this as the common room started to empty and we were the only ones left.

"Lily…" Remus started as he closed his book.

"Yeah?"

"I… er I was just wondering…"

"Remus, out with it," I playfully bit back at him.

"What have you got planned for next year?"

I thought about his answer and told him the only answer I could think of, "I don't really know."

"No idea at all?" he whispered absentmindedly stroking my hair.

I turned up to him so I could look into his eyes from my position. I gave him a brief smile and replied "I never really thought that far ahead," and truthfully I hadn't.

"at all?" he questioned, and I could see some wheels turning behind his eyes as though he to were trying to figure it out. And as quickly as I saw it, it passed, within a fleeting moment as though it never appeared. "What, lil' miss head girl not figure it out," he joked bending his neck so his face was closer to mine.

"I know I want to graduate from this place," I smiled. "I had a vague idea that I wanted to head girl and maybe … I don't know,"

"I know I want to graduate a fine witch…"

"I think you got that sorted…" he muttered with a wolfish grin.

I slapped him playfully on the arm, "Remus!"

"What?" his eyes crinkling at the edges as I saw amusement dash across his face.

I ignored him but now he'd already become a playful little cub. "whats with all the… ahh"

He'd flipped around so he was now straddling me, "lily, lily, lily…" I narrowed my eyes, not questioning him. He bent down and slowly raised my shirt up a bit… I made a bid to stop him but he swatted my hands away and then kissed my stomach softly.

Then blew a raspberry on my skin making me shriek with laughter. "Stop, stop, stop…" he did and looked up at me from his position his chin resting on my bare skin.

"I have great faith baby that you'll be anything you want to be,"

"Thankyou…"

"once you realise and kick yourself up the bum and actually do it…"

"Oi! You, you, you meanie,"

"Meanie am I?" he questioned, I nodded eagerly. In response he blew another raspberry on my stomach.

"Rrrreeemmmuuusss!" I squealed laughing as his breath went over my skin making me shiver as it vibrated over me.

I tried to push against him and make a get-a-way but in one swift motion he just grabbed my arms and pinned my arms above my head. Since when did he have such good reflexes?

He grinned down at me, "I now have you at my disposal woman," and then laughed this evil laugh! "Mahahahahaha,"

Time to fight fire with fire. I leaned up at nipped at his ear with my teeth, then licking him softly on the skin behind it and I heard him whimper from above. "Your evil laugh sucks," I whispered softly into his ear and quickly slid from underneath him before he came to his senses.

"Hey!" he cried and I pulled my tongue out at him as I moved across the common room him hot on my tails. "And you call me the meanie!" as he enveloped me into his arms.

I pushed him off me and said it was late to which he agreed. "Goodnight Lily," as he kissed me at the girls dorm stairs.

I moved up a couple of steps and when I knew I was safe from any grasp of his till the morning I called back, "Goodnight Lover," and winked suggestively at him. He narrowed his eyes at me, stepped up on the first step, which promptly turned into a slope beneath him and he fell onto his arse.

"Tease," he called back as I fled up the remaining stairs.


	4. Memories of old

-1Originally Planned

I had planned to get some studying done.

I really had.

But I guess that things never turn out the way they're expected.

First a third year timidly asked for some help on a potions assignment and he looked so cute as he shyly bit his lip as though I was going to refuse. As if I would, I'm not James… ouch that was a little harsh. James has been a great help and I shouldn't be bitching about him, even if it was in my head.

So I helped the kid and about half an hour later he finally understood the theory behind this particular potion and which affect each ingredient had on the potion.

Unfortunately, the moment he left to go back to his friends Remus came up and laid one hell of a smacker on me.

I'm not going to lie and say I didn't get a little… flustered? I did, I admit it; it's nothing to be ashamed of, right?

But the important thing was that I came quickly to my senses, well sort of.

"Maybe," I finally manage to croak out between kisses. "…erm, maybe… we should… erm slow down."

"Why? This is good…" I hear him faintly mumble before he captures my lips.

"I… er, middle of common room… erm anyone can see…" I pull away as now the moments broken, I come to my senses and realise this isn't what I want, oh come on, when kissing a guy no matter how it feels you usually get caught up in the moment, especially when your pulled spontaneously into a kiss, but it's liable to break pretty quickly. However he proceeds to plant butterfly kisses down my neck, unawares that the moment has passed.

"Your point being?" he mutters his voice heavy with passion, and I realise it probably… look I know it sounds weird, but I swear once a month Remus gets a little weird… must be a guy thing, I always wondered if they got anything similar to PMS.

"Remus," I whine pushing him off me gently.

"Lily," he replies looking deep into my eyes and I notice bags forming under his eyes, he's going to be sick again, I know it. He's always ill; he really should get himself checked over at St Mungo's.

"Hey! You guys are here, well good have I got a story to tell you," I mentally thank Sirius for interrupting the… well whatever this was.

"Sirius," Remus growls impatiently. I've got to feel a little sorry, I mean Remus and I haven't been close for a while, partly my fault.

"What?" he replies oblivious, unloading an armful of food on the table in front of us getting crumbs on what was supposed to be an essay. In compensation, I decided that if I grabbed a small cake all debts would be repaid, that and I have a kind of affection for chocolate icing.

"Go on Siri," I encouraged ignoring the look Remus sent me, instead turning around so I sink into his arms, appearing content to those around me.

"Don't call me that!" Sirius snaps, but instantly softens. "Well, it goes like this…"

Seeing James walk in with Emily, her hand in his did something to my heart as I sat in Remus' arms by the fire supposedly listening to Sirius' tale.

They'd been meeting up with each other every now and then, only if to study or hang out briefly with one another but I'd never actually seen them look like… well like a couple. I mean I saw them sit next to each other at breakfast and in the library, I was with them most of the time but it seemed more solid now, more official. I bet a lot of girls are a bit heartbroken now.

I must have been staring because a person was now in front of me. It turns out that Sirius had moved over, wanting to know what I was looking at, to where Remus and I sat and was leaning over the side of the couch blocking my view. He had a wicked smile on his face and I knew that the guys were going to wind James up about it later. Poor little sod!

James tried to ignore Sirius as he waved excitedly at him, trying unsuccessfully to keep his concentration on what Emily was trying to tell him. After a few moments James broke as Sirius turned to pulling faces and making loud air kisses, who caught off guard resulted on being tackled to the ground by James as he dived a his best friend in an effort to get him to shut up.

"Oh you are so going to tell me, even if I have to beat it out of you," I round on Emily the moment the other girls leave for the bathroom probably to get changed for bed, or to sneak into the boys' dormitory.

"No I'm not," she replies indignantly, picking at her nails.

"That's like the worst thing as a friend you can do," I scoff, as I move to lay back down on my bed some text books in front of me, I didn't exactly get much studying done earlier.

"What? Your mental Lil'" she throws me a look and I pull my tongue out in retaliation.

"How am I mental? Tell me what happened," I urge seeing how she wasn't going to give in without it. "Tell me!"

"We walked around Hogsmade, we drank butterbeer, we talked…"she says quietly as I watch her sit slowly opposite me on her bed.

"What are you not telling me?" I ask as I sit up and look at her.

"I kissed him!" she confesses embarrassed.

"You kissed him?" I repeat, a little… well shocked, Emily's never the first to make a move.

"He wasn't making a move, he hasn't been making a move since we begun this little thing and I was getting frustrated!"

"And?" I prompt, as I got up from my seat and moved my way next to her.

"It was nice," she said, and I send her a look. "Okay it was bloody brilliant! Oh Merlin, I hope he'll ask me out again," she adds grinning slightly. "He seemed a little shocked at first but he didn't pull away, and then new got really into it… that's a good sign right? Do you think he'll ask me out again?"

"Most definitely," I smile comfortingly, but inside… I must be a little hungry.

"I mean it guys, back off!" James exclaims as we sit in a room after class as we wait for Professor McGonagall.

"But you looked so cute and cuddly," Sirius said in a dreamy voice, clasping his hands together, fluttering his eyelashes and I have to stifle a giggle, Remus and Peter were not quite so discrete.

"Sirius, I think you should leave him alone…" I try, after hearing James growl quietly, knowing they were on dangerous territory.

"I don't think so Miss Evans," he replies wiggling his eyebrows.

"But I do Mr Black," came a voice from the doorway, which caused Sirius to stiffen instantly. Professor Dumbledore, I bet James was mentally thanking the headmaster right about now. Now, myself, that laugh I'd been trying to hide erupted at the look on Black's face, when Dumbledore excused them from the classroom saying he needed to talk to James and I on head business. I think Sirius wanted a few more rounds at pestering James but he had to stop.

When I was ten, turning eleven, my two best friends and me (Laura and Frannie) discovered that our trio was breaking apart. Laura was moving away, Frannie was told that in the following year she was to be attending a school which required tuition fee's that cost more than my parents made in a year. I was stuck, same old Lily, to be a student and the local high school five minutes away, where my sister was studying.

Or so I thought until I got my Hogwarts letter.

Anyway, the night before Laura was due to move, the last day of primary school, we camped in Frannie's back garden, setting off a fire in an old barbecue, toasting marshmallows, telling stories, trying to caste spells after watching a movie earlier about witches. I can't believe how naïve we were, wishing each other well, promising to each other that we'd be friends forever.

And, although this was a memory that was followed by a sad one, this was the one I chose as I prepared to cast a Patronus charm in this extra training James and I were receiving for entering the order of the phoenix.

I had already tried, though unsuccessfully to cast said charm and I think my problem was that the previous memories were not happy enough. The charm was supposed to repel Dementors but so far I barely managed to conjure anything.

Well I better give it another go…

"Expectro Patronum!"

Something was happening this time, I could feel my wand vibrating between my fingers and I saw wisps of silver mist erupting from its tip. I think that it had even begun to form a distinct shape fluttering about the room before it disappeared.

"Ah… Bravo Miss Evans," Dumbledore told me smiling and James clapped and whistled making me grin proudly. "You managed to form a corporeal Patronus as well, no easy feat."

"Thank you Headmaster. But I couldn't tell what form it…"

"That would be a feeble," he knowingly told me. "Apparently innocent and pure like a Unicorn, rare but it's strong and powerful, excellent at defending itself, quite a match I believe."

A Feeble, James' was a stag, though he didn't seem at all surprised for some reason.

I moved and sat next to James on the table of the classroom. The darkness outside seemed black and the castle had grown rather cold. It was getting late and I couldn't remember if we had Quidditch practise tomorrow or was it Friday this week? We have it as often as possible, sometimes during the week straight after other teams had finished using it.

"Although, the dementors currently guard the prison, I feel that serving the Dark Lord is more appealing, offering thins we'd never stoop to," Dumbledore tell us.

"You think they'll become his allies, don't you?" James asked quietly and I shuddered at the thought.

"I do…" Dumbledore confirmed.

I sigh and leant against James, can't things ever be easy?

We left Dumbledore's office in silence, my thoughts were occupied of my childhood friends and how much I missed them. Why do we have to let go of things as children in order to move on to things in adulthood? Its not fair. Ok I know that's selfish, I do but still.

"Hey Lily can you cover for me at tomorrow's prefect meeting?" James asked me as we walked into the common room.

"so its prefects tomorrow?" I groaned. "Quidditch Friday?" he nodded.

"Yeah, will you?" he asked again as he climbed over the back of one of the couches.

"But I covered for you the week before? Don't make me deal with Snape on my own!" I, being more dignified walked round and settle for the spot near the fireplace.

"Please," he whined throwing puppy dog eyes at me… he was good and the guilty eyes I had to admit, making the bottom lip quiver and everything but Sirius was easily better. "I'll get you a cake with chocolate icing if you do it," I just groaned. "with sprinkles"

"Fine but it better be a big one." I gave in bringing my knees to my chest.


End file.
